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  • #61
    OK, got this from a coworker. Probably a repost, but it's kind of funny.

    Revised Company Policy: Effective from November 2005

    Dress Code

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

    If we see you wearing Armani and Rolex, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

    If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

    If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Sick Days

    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Annual Leave Days

    Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

    Bereavement Leave

    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    Toilet Use

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. Following recent refurbishment, there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Break

    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 Minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    The Management Team
    2015 Dodge Charger SXT Rallye, JAZZZND , 40K
    JAZZZIN 1994 PGT, MTX, Black/Gray leather, 200K, KLZE, Magnaflow catback SOLD to Dan [Sac]
    JAZZZN8 (2008 Mazda RX-8 GT), JAZZZN6 (2013 and 2010 Mazda 6 s GTs), first BAPOC Prez James Creasy's JAZZZN2 (1994 PGT), the infamous GRPJUCE (1994 PGT) all sold
    born in MA, grew up in MI, live in CA, just kept moving west

    Comment


    • #62
      heres a few I stole from the rx7club.com lounge..hope they don't mind

      >Late one evening, Mike went over to his friend Tyrone's house to play
      >cards with the fellas. In the middle of a game of Bid Whist, Tyrone's
      >wife sat down on the couch directly across from Mike. Mike dropped a
      >card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked uphe saw
      >that Tyrone's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. Hesat up
      >and smiled to himself, then went into the kitchen to get a beer.
      >
      >To his surprise, Tyrone's wife followed him into the kitchen and said,
      >"Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Hell yeah, I did."
      >
      >Tyrone's wife said "Well, you can get more than that. But,it's gonna
      >cost you $500.00." Mike thought about it for a minute, and about his
      >financial situation. Then he said "Cool." She said,"Come over here
      >tomorrow around noon because Tyrone will be at work." Mike said,
      >"I'll see you then."
      >
      >The next day Mike went over, they had mad sex, he paid her, then he
      >left. Later when Tyrone came home he asked,"Has Mike been over here
      >today?" Thinking that she had been caught, she said "Uh, as a matter
      >of fact he has."
      >
      >Tyrone said, "Good. 'Cause that fool came by my job this morning and
      >asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it
      >with you."

      Comment


      • #63
        A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
        > won't stop staring at her.
        >
        > She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask
        > you, but I don't want to offend you."
        >
        > She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.
        >
        > When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you
        > get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
        > there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
        >
        > "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
        >
        > She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
        >
        > #1, you have to be single and
        >
        > #2, you must be Catholic."
        >
        > The cab driver is very excited and says,
        >
        > "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
        >
        > "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
        >
        > The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
        > would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab
        > driver starts crying.
        >
        > "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
        >
        > "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must
        > confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
        >
        > The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!

        ----------------------------------------------------

        An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the waters edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the
        magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

        Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

        The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

        The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

        ---------------------------------------

        One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

        Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

        The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
        Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish."

        Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"

        Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

        By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

        "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

        Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

        "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

        "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

        --------------------------------------------------

        A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

        Comment


        • #64
          BLONDE JOKES!!!!

          FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

          SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

          THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she
          does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

          FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

          FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

          SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

          SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
          possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
          There is two known theories on how to argue with a woman, neither of them work.

          Comment


          • #65
            This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool,
            unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother
            who is about 5 or 6.

            One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
            They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is
            already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the
            top bunk.

            As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that
            his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to
            whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a
            new position.

            "Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
            Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making
            sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."
            PhotoPOC(tm)
            MM9 MMX FF FF2 FF3 FF4 FF5
            93' PGT not stock
            91' PLX MTX stock

            95' Jaguar XJR 155mph La-z-boy recliner

            Comment


            • #66
              Originally posted by j-dogg
              This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool,
              unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother
              who is about 5 or 6.

              One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
              They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is
              already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the
              top bunk.

              As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that
              his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to
              whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a
              new position.

              "Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
              Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making
              sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."

              ROFLMAO!!!!!!
              There is two known theories on how to argue with a woman, neither of them work.

              Comment


              • #67
                Who is the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.

                Comment


                • #68
                  TIME FOR SOME MICHAEL JACKSON JOKES!!!

                  what does michael jackson and santa clause have in common?

                  -the both leave little boys rooms w/ an empty sack

                  what does michael jackson and mc donalds have in common?

                  -they both love stuffing their meat in 5 yr old buns

                  what does michael jackson and target have in common?

                  -all boys pants are half off

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    When is it a bad time at Micheal Jackson's house?
                    -When the big hand touches the little hand.

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Originally posted by PGTStreetRacer
                      TIME FOR SOME MICHAEL JACKSON JOKES!!!

                      what does michael jackson and santa clause have in common?

                      -the both leave little boys rooms w/ an empty sack

                      what does michael jackson and mc donalds have in common?

                      -they both love stuffing their meat in 5 yr old buns

                      what does michael jackson and target have in common?

                      -all boys pants are half off
                      oh god omse of those are gross!!! YUCK LMAO
                      There is two known theories on how to argue with a woman, neither of them work.

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when an intruder startled her. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"

                        (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

                        The burglar stopped in his tracks.

                        The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

                        "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
                        There is two known theories on how to argue with a woman, neither of them work.

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          how do u fit 4 gay guys ona stool?

                          -turn it upside down

                          whats the difference between a gay guy and a fridge?

                          -the fridge doesnt fart when u pull the meat out

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            >Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer
                            >on your own...The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think
                            >this one through!!
                            >
                            >At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of
                            >the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other
                            >is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the
                            >exact same thing.
                            >
                            >
                            >What are they both thinking?
                            >
                            >
                            >
                            >
                            >















                            >
                            >Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down...........
                            When I was your age, Pluto was a planet

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              Originally posted by DJ-Anakin
                              >Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer
                              >on your own...The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think
                              >this one through!!
                              >
                              >At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of
                              >the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other
                              >is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the
                              >exact same thing.
                              >
                              >
                              >What are they both thinking?
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >
                              >















                              >
                              >Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down...........
                              PhotoPOC(tm)
                              MM9 MMX FF FF2 FF3 FF4 FF5
                              93' PGT not stock
                              91' PLX MTX stock

                              95' Jaguar XJR 155mph La-z-boy recliner

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                how many navy people does it take to rob a bank?

                                -1 sailor and TWOOOOOO!!!!!!!! ROAD GUARDS!!!!!!!!!!! lol, navy people know that

                                what has two banks but no money?

                                -a river

                                heres a sentence joke

                                -michael jackson drops babies and R Kelly catches them
                                Probetalks Japanese Otaku Anime Guru!!!! And World of Warcraft Player (Bleeding Hallow Server) go Horde!!
                                Virginia Probe Owners Club

                                Comment

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