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  • The Pope and a Holy Golf Match

    The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

    "Your Holiness ", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

    The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me? " he asked.

    "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

    Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored to be made a Cardinal, and agreed to play. The day after the match, Cardinal Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

    "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus, " said the Pope.

    "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

    "And what's the bad news? " the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
    2015 Dodge Charger SXT Rallye, JAZZZND , 40K
    JAZZZIN 1994 PGT, MTX, Black/Gray leather, 200K, KLZE, Magnaflow catback SOLD to Dan [Sac]
    JAZZZN8 (2008 Mazda RX-8 GT), JAZZZN6 (2013 and 2010 Mazda 6 s GTs), first BAPOC Prez James Creasy's JAZZZN2 (1994 PGT), the infamous GRPJUCE (1994 PGT) all sold
    born in MA, grew up in MI, live in CA, just kept moving west

    Comment


    • The Ranch Hand.....

      A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.


      She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

      Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

      She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

      He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

      For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

      Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

      The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

      One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

      Two o'clock and no hired hand.

      Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

      She quietly called him over to her..

      "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

      Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

      He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

      He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

      "Now take off my skirt."

      He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

      "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

      Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
      2015 Dodge Charger SXT Rallye, JAZZZND , 40K
      JAZZZIN 1994 PGT, MTX, Black/Gray leather, 200K, KLZE, Magnaflow catback SOLD to Dan [Sac]
      JAZZZN8 (2008 Mazda RX-8 GT), JAZZZN6 (2013 and 2010 Mazda 6 s GTs), first BAPOC Prez James Creasy's JAZZZN2 (1994 PGT), the infamous GRPJUCE (1994 PGT) all sold
      born in MA, grew up in MI, live in CA, just kept moving west

      Comment


      • Oh man, that was funny ! Thank you

        Comment


        • Top 8 Morons of 2014

          1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND
          UP?

          AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
          package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

          2.WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR
          FRIENDS.

          Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

          3.WHAT WAS PLAN B?

          An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
          wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!

          4.THE GETAWAY!

          A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

          5.DID I SAY THAT?

          Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I
          said!'

          6.ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

          A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.

          'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted,
          'This is her husband!'

          7.NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE
          SHED!

          In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

          8.THE GRAND FINALE!!!

          Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having aproblem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

          NOW
          REMEMBER...THIS IS
          TRUE.

          Under
          the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the
          trailer!

          Comment


          • A man walks into a bar and sees a larger women dancing on the table. He approaches her and says "what beautiful legs you have." The dancing women replies "Thank you."

            "No no not you" the man says, "the table for holding you up."
            I think it's an obsession!
            http://www.supermotors.net/registry/media/911982_1

            Comment


            • Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a woman driver.

              ---------- Post added at 12:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:39 PM ----------

              An elderly gentleman...
              Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

              Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

              An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
              The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


              Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

              Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start
              writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
              'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so a s not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
              Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
              She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

              A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'

              Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

              A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
              Twelve thirty..

              Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied,
              'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that......... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

              Comment


              • Getting into Med School



                When I was young I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
                One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part
                which is most useful when erect.
                Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

                Comment


                • What is the difference between a zippo and a hippo?







                  One is a little lighter.
                  I think it's an obsession!
                  http://www.supermotors.net/registry/media/911982_1

                  Comment


                  • if a trans am is a poorvette, is the Probe a Poorsh?
                    Poorche? eh w.e. you get it.

                    Comment


                    • How can you tell if you wife is dead?







                      The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up!
                      1995 Probe GT. Colt 218* cams, Tein SS Coilovers with EDFC, K6F trailing arms, CZT traction bars, ZE Intake Manifold, Milly MAF/OBDII swap, GReddy SP1, Probe Addiction Strut braces, RX8 Seats, PRD STS, PRD door sills, ACT 6puck, MFactory LSD,Built trans, Euro tails and corners, Walbro 255, and more to come
                      Stage 3 Audi S4 pushing about 425awhp

                      Comment


                      • Didn't find this one when I searched.

                        A blonde lady motorist, named Donna was about two hours from San Diego when she was

                        flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

                        The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

                        "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

                        "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two Chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

                        "I'd be happy to," said Donna.

                        So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully

                        strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.



                        Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two Chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

                        With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

                        "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

                        "Yes, I know you did," said Donna. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
                        2015 Dodge Charger SXT Rallye, JAZZZND , 40K
                        JAZZZIN 1994 PGT, MTX, Black/Gray leather, 200K, KLZE, Magnaflow catback SOLD to Dan [Sac]
                        JAZZZN8 (2008 Mazda RX-8 GT), JAZZZN6 (2013 and 2010 Mazda 6 s GTs), first BAPOC Prez James Creasy's JAZZZN2 (1994 PGT), the infamous GRPJUCE (1994 PGT) all sold
                        born in MA, grew up in MI, live in CA, just kept moving west

                        Comment


                        • HR Joke

                          An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem... you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

                          “Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

                          “Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

                          “Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

                          As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

                          They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

                          Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

                          So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

                          The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

                          Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

                          “I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

                          The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
                          2015 Dodge Charger SXT Rallye, JAZZZND , 40K
                          JAZZZIN 1994 PGT, MTX, Black/Gray leather, 200K, KLZE, Magnaflow catback SOLD to Dan [Sac]
                          JAZZZN8 (2008 Mazda RX-8 GT), JAZZZN6 (2013 and 2010 Mazda 6 s GTs), first BAPOC Prez James Creasy's JAZZZN2 (1994 PGT), the infamous GRPJUCE (1994 PGT) all sold
                          born in MA, grew up in MI, live in CA, just kept moving west

                          Comment

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