Official Joke thread

[ladyjazz17]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful jerks should remember fairies are female.....(well, usually)

[SpeedyD]

Dale -

A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'


A German doctor says 'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.


A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'


The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[ladyjazz17]

Dani, your story is all too true.

[davinrobinson]

all right my turn how do you slow a hooker down put a govenor on her.

that joke is only funny if your from new york because the govenor resigned because he was caught with a 2,000 dollar an hour hooker.

[hornet24b]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dog is truly mans best friend, if you don't believe me, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk.......Who is really happy to see you?

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty
miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m.,
Loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only
vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know
if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the
grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not.

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try
again.



This continued each morning for more than a week. One morning the farmer
was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey,
please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in
the grass."


"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there. They had a great time.

However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam!

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire, on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now! The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.



He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.



Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?

Two men at are bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken ****."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks.

"She said she's conctipated on macaroni and would rather sh1t in her pants."


LOL



One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

[TravisWilliams_GT]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
  • INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
  • INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
  • INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
  • INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: Really?
  • INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
  • INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
  • INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
  • INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
  • INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
  • INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
  • INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
  • INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
  • INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
  • INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
  • INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
  • INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
  • INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
• ---------------------------------------------------
  • TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
  • INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources

AND

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics. Learn Chinese in 5 minutes.
(Tip: it helps if you read these aloud.)

That's not right!

Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?

Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP

Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man

Dum chi ta

Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table!

Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift!

Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here!

Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet!

Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone!

No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week!

Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight

Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive

Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great

Fa Kin Su Pa

[MakatoMotors]

[Rick_96PGT]

The Burglar and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler "Jesus."

[SpeedyD]

^ my tummy hurts now...

[TravisWilliams_GT]

Subject: Jewish Women

Jewish women, bless their hearts............that was the disclaimer, Now you may talk some Trash

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this may be due to the fact that 'Won Ton', when spelled backward, is 'Not Now'.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called 'Debbie Does Dishes.'

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Lieberman to tell her that her check came
back, she replied, 'So did my arthritis.'

8. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you?'
'Not too good, ' said the mother. 'I've been very weak.'
The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'
The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered, 'Because I didn't want my mouth to
be filled with food if you should call.'

9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in a School Play.
She asks, 'What part is it?
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.'
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'

10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner

11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) 'Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'

12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, now let's eat.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, a Rottweiler will let go.

14. Telegram from a Jewish woman:
'Begin worrying! (stop)
Details to follow. (stop)'

15. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't go for anything that isn't at least 20%
off.

[natecade1]

aw dang it I was gonna tell the circumcision one if you had missed it.

Did you here about the new Mercedes C-Class Jewish Edition?
It will stop on a dime and pick it up too.

[Josh_Rose]

aw dang it I was gonna tell the circumcision one if you had missed it.

Did you here about the new Mercedes C-Class Jewish Edition?
It will stop on a dime and pick it up too.

i heard that one a lil different...

Hear about the new ethiopian car?

it will stop on a dime and pick it up too...

now for the jew joke...

2 jews walk into a bar, 2 weeks later they own it.

[hornet24b]

Tony and Rosa just got married and in their tradition, the two go back to the mother of the bride's house and sleep over on their first night as newlyweds.

Momma tells her daughter : (Italian accent) Ok Rosa, you and Tony are now husband and wife, now go upstairs and makea boomboom!

So Rosa and Tony go upstairs. Tony starts taking off his shirt. Rosa was shocked and ran downstairs.

Rosa to Momma: MOMMA MOMMA... TONY, .. HE HAS A REALLY HAIRY CHEST!

Momma to Rosa: Rosa, how many times Ima haf to tell ya.. A good Italian man has a hairy chess to keep you warm at night.. Now back upstairs and makea boomboom.

So like a good girl, she goes back upstairs. Tony takes off his pants. Rosa was shocked and ran downstairs again.

Rosa to Momma: MOMMA MOMMA... TONY, .. HE HAS A REALLY HAIRY LEGS!

Momma to Rosa: Rosa, how many times Ima haf to tell ya.. A good Italian man has a hairy legs to keep you warm at night.. Now back upstairs and makea boomboom.

So, Rosa once again goes back upstairs and sees Tony completely naked. She notices he is missing half of his foot. SHe asks him what happend and he tells her a landmind blew off half his foot in the war... WELL . Rosa comes screaming hystarically downstairs !

Rosa to Momma (with her hands apart about a foot and a half apart): MOMMA MOMMA... TONY, .. HE HAS A FOOT.. ANA HALF!

Momma to Rosa (authoritative voice) : STANDA BACKA ROSA!!!!!!!! MOMMA GONNA TAKEA CARE OF THIS ONE!

aw dang it I was gonna tell the circumcision one if you had missed it.

Did you here about the new Mercedes C-Class Jewish Edition?
It will stop on a dime and pick it up too.

LOLOLOLOLOL

[norcalcasey]

HAHA craigslist post in "best of"

For Sale—One (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2008-04-14, 2:09AM PDT


Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position.

Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large.

Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.

Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a
failed effort at camouflaging them.

Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.

Needs front-end work--Tits are too close to the ground, and knees are too far apart.

May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,

Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply..

Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.

[SkyGent]

Hahahaahahahaha! Now that's slick.