Official Joke thread

[TRWeiss1]

^ Nice!

[FRCFD6]

A woman was unhappy

with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :


"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

[Chaff]

awesomeness

[driftwood]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?' Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket any says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?' she too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

i used to play a game with a scottish guy & my god his accent was strong...

you couldnt understand a damn thing he was saying, alot of it had to do with laughing hard too...

good memories

[Staats]

From an email I got.

Just in case you need a laugh:



Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.



Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

*

P: Frictions locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what friction locks are for.

*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

*

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

*

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

*

And finally…

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[SpeedyD]

^ I love that one.

[Tech73]

Jack Schitt

Jack Shitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone say's "You don't know Jack Shitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brother in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[unionrdr]

Now THAT'S funny! Tried to read it to the gang with tears in my eyes. Good imagination,needed that.

[BillyLee95PGT]

and i thought i had too much time on my hands

[unionrdr]

We stand corrected.lol. But,for some,it's S.O.B.-Standard Operational Bull****...ha

[Tech73]

Can't say I wrote this just put the time in to let every one have a laugh. Look up WIMP on the search and go there, there's alot of stuff and you will die laughing.

[SlaveLabor]

For all us "crap talkers"

http://www.bloggingwv.com/you-should...-the-bathroom/

I had tears running down my face.

[purpleapples]

wow. that was priceless....

[MSDKLZE]

Rolling on the floor, laughing my a$$ off!!

[ladyjazz17]

That was a great one!