Official Joke thread

[White_93]

wow.
simply.
wow.

[The Wraith]

TL;DR. cliff notes pl0x

[SpeedyD]

roflmfao

Omg, my tummy ... my make-up is ruined. haha

[I<3my93GT]

oh lord..... that was the funniest thing I've read in a super long time!!!! haha!

[piratius]

TL;DR. cliff notes pl0x

Guy Eats Curry.

Guy has off next day.

Guy eats KFC (his wife is vegetarian) when she's not home.

Guy's stomach gurgles.

Guy's Wife's Cat wants some KFC.

Guy tries to remove cat so it won't eat his food.

Guy tries to fart on cat.

Guy takes a big **** on the cat.

Guy gets splatter almost everywhere.

--------------------------------------------

Seriously though? It's only "too long" if you're "too lazy" to read a joke that's funnier when you read the whole thing.

Jeez, I'm reminded of the BET special I saw on youtube titled "Read A Book"

[LowClassCC]

forwarded to my wife via email. i couldnt stop laughing.

[The Wraith]

it was so worth it.

[SpeedyD]

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately
clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical
Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told
him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage
for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[KrAsH]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

[TravisWilliams_GT]

^^ Good one ^^

I LolZ at new jokes.

I don't think this is a new joke:

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.

The wife asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Tell him to just try dem on, Lady." So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"

[outkastrooster]

man and wife are going to haloween party.wife feels sick so said "you go by yourself"
so the man goes to party.wife sleeps for an hour,and wakes up feeling better.she decides to go to the party in costume husband has no idea about.
she sees him at party and he is dancing all up on some women grinding and such,copping feels when he can.she decides to go over to him both masked and grinds on the dance floor with him for hours.
he finally whispers in her ear"would you like to go somewhere and have some fun?"
she replies, wondering when he will realize it is his wife.
well the bang for an hour or so and when they finish she decides to go home and remove costume wait to confront him when he gets home
so he comes home and she asked"how was your evening , did you like dancing ?
he says "i did not dance at all"
she is pissed and is like yeah anything happen you want to talk about?
he says "no why?"
the husband says "i got too the party and decided to play poker with your father and uncle so i gave my costume to YOUR BROTHER!"
roflmao

[SpeedyD]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
Lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the
Horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
Grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
Down the horse's side anyway The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious
To its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the
Horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
Entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
Hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
Unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Walmart greeter,
Sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.



And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[ladyjazz17]

The church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[Forditude]

Important Notice:

DUE TO RECENT BUDGET CUTS,

AND THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL,

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

Sincerely,
The Government

[troyfromkamilla]

The sharing of marriage:

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. The is time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who ha d yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

Continue below....
















'THE TEETH.'