Official Joke thread

[Courtice6er]

how many navy people does it take to rob a bank?

-1 sailor and TWOOOOOO!!!!!!!! ROAD GUARDS!!!!!!!!!!! lol, navy people know that

what has two banks but no money?

-a river

heres a sentence joke

-michael jackson drops babies and R Kelly catches them

[Wonderboy]

Tony and Rosa just got married and in their tradition, the two go back to the mother of the bride's house and sleep over on their first night as newlyweds.

Momma tells her daughter : (Italian accent) Ok Rosa, you and Tony are now husband and wife, now go upstairs and makea boomboom!

So Rosa and Tony go upstairs. Tony starts taking off his shirt. Rosa was shocked and ran downstairs.

Rosa to Momma: MOMMA MOMMA... TONY, .. HE HAS A REALLY HAIRY CHEST!

Momma to Rosa: Rosa, how many times Ima haf to tell ya.. A good Italian man has a hairy chess to keep you warm at night.. Now back upstairs and makea boomboom.

So like a good girl, she goes back upstairs. Tony takes off his pants. Rosa was shocked and ran downstairs again.

Rosa to Momma: MOMMA MOMMA... TONY, .. HE HAS A REALLY HAIRY LEGS!

Momma to Rosa: Rosa, how many times Ima haf to tell ya.. A good Italian man has a hairy legs to keep you warm at night.. Now back upstairs and makea boomboom.

So, Rosa once again goes back upstairs and sees Tony completely naked. She notices he is missing half of his foot. SHe asks him what happend and he tells her a landmind blew off half his foot in the war... WELL . Rosa comes screaming hystarically downstairs !

Rosa to Momma (with her hands apart about a foot and a half apart): MOMMA MOMMA... TONY, .. HE HAS A FOOT.. ANA HALF!

Momma to Rosa (authoritative voice) : STANDA BACKA ROSA!!!!!!!! MOMMA GONNA TAKEA CARE OF THIS ONE!

[DoubleDFrenzy]

[BukNutty]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 5 shots. The bartender lines up the shots, and the guy slams all 5. Again, the guy asks for 5 more. The bartender again lines up 5 more, and the guy slams those. A THIRD time, the guy asks for 5 more. The bartender lines them up, turns to the guy and says...

"Hey pal, thats gonna be 15 shots in less than 2 minutes! You know, you don't have to drink them that fast. They taste better when you take your time!"

The guy replies with, "Well, if you had what I had, you'd be drinking them this fast."

"Well, what do you have?" asks the bartender...
.
.
.
.
.
The guy replies.. "One dollar!!"

[Adamacman2004]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine" So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down.








































































































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.

[SpykeZ]

What does Batman say to Robin before they get in the batmobile??

Robin, get in the batmobile.

What does Robin say to Batman before he gets in the batmobile?

OK Batman.

[Seven8985]

So 3 virgin sisters get married at the same time. The sisters then go back to thier mms house after the wedding to spend thier first night with thier husbands together.

During the night the mother wakes up and listens in on her dauther's rooms to see what is going on. The mom first goes to the youngest daughter's room and puts her head to the door and she hear her daughter crying. She moves on to the middle aged daughter's room and hears her laughing. Finally she comes to her oldest daughter's door and hears nothing. so the mom goes back to sleep and the morning comes.

During the breakfeast the mom asks the youngest sister why she was crying and she reaplies by saying that her husband's penis was hurting her becuase it was too big.

Then she asks the middle sister as to why she was laughing and the sister replies by saying that her husband's penis was too small.

Finally she asks the oldest sister as to why there was no noise coming from her room and she responds by saying "mom, you were the one that taught me not to talk or make noise with my mouth full"

[SpykeZ]

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road??..Enjoy the many answers. Have a great weekend.

Greg Aucoin


> DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize
that
> he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road
before
it
> goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we
need to
> do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
"CURRENT"
> problems before adding "NEW" problems.
>
> OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why
> he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn
> from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going
to
give
> this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not
live
> his life like the rest of the chickens.
>
> GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the
road.
> We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or
not.
> The chicken is either against us, or for us.
> There is no middle ground here.
>
> COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
> satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
>
> JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
> now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled
> about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain
against
it.
>
> MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was
> going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when
> the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider
> information.
>
> DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad?
> Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.
>
> ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
>
> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will
be
free
> to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
>
> GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
> Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough.
>
> BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will
be
> listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming
story
> of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on
> to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
>
> JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together -
> in peace.
>
> SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken
> crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
>
> BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only
cross
> roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your
> cheque book. Internet explorer is an integral part of
> eChicken. The platform is much more stable and will never
cra...#@&&^(&&^( C
> \ reboot.
>
> BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is
your
> definition of chicken?
>
> COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[FRCFD6]

How to poop at work!

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing

down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate

pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a POOPER of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the POOPER can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[SimonTuffGuy]

I hate pooping at work... When I worked night shift, it was fine because I had the entire building to myself, but now that I share it with bank executives and cancer patients... No thanks, I'll hold it until I can't possibly hold it any longer.

[redline5th]

HAHAHHAHHA

That was great.

[bslav94pgt]

HAHAHAHAHAHA RAF that's some funny ass shit hahaha. I couldn't stop laughing my mom thinks i'm crazy now man but when i have to drop one at work I use the hover method while dropping a deuce. I just don't believe in ASS gaskets.

[JOSEPH PIERCE]

hahaha PT is always helpful

[emdshiznette]

ew! that was hilarious!

[86ZX-Turbo]

old but always funny