Official Joke thread

[JOSEPH PIERCE]

haha i passed them around work

[Vixander]

Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?



FO DRIZZLE!


OOOoOoOOO

[SpykeZ]

I did not read this whole thread.... If it's already been said then sweet someone is as funny as i am.

Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?



FO DRIZZLE!


OOOoOoOOO

LMAO no it hasn't been said yet but that was so dumb it made me laugh.

[Magilla]

I think he edited it into his last post

Yeah, dumbass me.....my memory isn't what it used to be, but Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

[dueces]

Sorry, I have to do this, even if it's wrong.

What is red and white and sitting in the corner?

A baby chewing on razor blades.

What is green and white and sitting in the corner?

The same baby, three weeks later.


What is easier to unload, a truck full of bowling balls, or a truck full of dead baby's?

The dead baby's, because you can use a pitch fork.


Again, wrong, but comical none the less

[JayZee]

lmao wow, that is like sick as **** :\

african american accent: "watamelon watamelon, cadillac car! im not gonna tell you who we be!"

lmao

[SpykeZ]

Sorry, I have to do this, even if it's wrong.

What is red and white and sitting in the corner?

A baby chewing on razor blades.

What is green and white and sitting in the corner?

The same baby, three weeks later.


What is easier to unload, a truck full of bowling balls, or a truck full of dead baby's?

The dead baby's, because you can use a pitch fork.


Again, wrong, but comical none the less

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a piles of dead tv's.

I don't have a pile of dead tv's in my garage.

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?

The one in the middle chewing it's way out.

[SpykeZ]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice,
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
The husband confidently says, "I want the house."
The wife knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car veers towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes the husband nervous, so he asks her: "Is there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

[Magilla]

^^^That's a good one SpykeZ!

[man_in_black3]

I've got a few.

A baby seal walks into a club.

and

There once was a poor woman who lived alone with her 15 yr old son. One day the mother approached her son and told him that the two of them were out of food and they were going to starve if he did not go into town and sell his pet duck. So the boy agreed.

The next day he walks into town with the duck and proceed to asks everyone he meets they would like to buy a duck. After several hours with no luck, the boy decides to return home. Before he made it home though, he met a hooker. She looked at the boy and told him that he had a really cute duck and that her business was down so she told him that she would have sex with him if he would giver her his duck. The boy quickly agreed and after the exchange the boy was feeling good so he decided to to roam the city a little more before going home.

Once again he met the hooker and she was walking with the duck that used to be the boy's. She proceeded to tell him that she hadn't had anyone else since she was with him and asked if he would like to have his duck back in exchange for more sex. This was a no brainer for the boy since he would be having sex again and getting his duck back on top of it. So they had sex again and the boy got his duck back.

Feeling satisfied, the boy finally decided to head home. On the way, his duck got away from him and ran into the street where a car hit and killed his duck. The driver frantically jumped out of his car and apologized to the boy. The driver told the boy that he was in a hurry so he told the boy he would give him twenty dollars for running over his duck.

The boy walked back to his house feeling happy and handed the twenty to his mom. His mom was surprised that he got that much for the duck and asked the boy how he managed to get twenty dollars for his scrawny duck. The boy told his mother, "I got a [fizzle] for a duck, a duck for a [fizzle], and a twenty dollar bill for a [fizzled] up duck."

[SpykeZ]

Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another
for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will
probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another
gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a
woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[sxcKLZE]

omg

Four gay condoms are relaxing in a jacuzzi and drinking midori sours. One of the condoms asks the others, "who's getting shit faced first?!"

That is just but funny

[SpykeZ]

ew....

[MX3Chick]

Ok, this wouldve been funnier had a guy posted it...but here we go...


Warning!!! Please keep on lookout for this!

Please watch out for this new scam which is happening at malls all across the country.

Two good looking and very hot, 18 year old women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg you for a ride to a
different local Mall.
If you agree they sit in the back. On the way they start having sex in the back seat. Then one of them crawls over the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Please Be Careful!

[Magilla]

Idiots at work...

IDIOTS AT WORK
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

IDIOTS & GRAPHOLOGY
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:" "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
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Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson," replied Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."