Official Joke thread

[natecade1]

hahaha not entirely true about peeing all over each other in public restrooms. but still, lmao

[AltimaXX]

It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend.

Damn this lays it down like it is

[Scummer]

Damn this lays it down like it is

I don't know why we men were born with this feature, but I personally think it blows, since you can't release without painfully pushing the lever down. Not only that.. once you actually have the damn thing in position, from the pressure of pushing it down, nothing comes through

Thomas

[TABA]

ahahahahhaah damn that was good........the crack between the seat and the bowl LMAO yeah its a task i swear

[Whiplash_89]

Damn this lays it down like it is

Yep, almost every morning after I pee I have to take a minute or two before I come out of the washroom to think about something while my wood goes down...

[pinkbutton]

omg!

[DJ-Anakin]

I don't know why we men were born with this feature,

to stop you from pissing your sheets.

[DJ-Anakin]

red rocket! red rocket! red rocket! red rocket!

[InneedofPGT]

Oh wow, I'm sitting here at work, and I just laughed my ass off.

[Jacen93LS]

that mornin wood was the devil all throughout high school. Every morning my sister, and mother would be awake before me, and my mom would just swing the door open. When it would get warm i would have the sheets mostly off of me, and that damn button (on boxers) just cant contain morning wood, so I would be revealed to all of my family.

Lets just say I shook that habit fast.

[Lithium543]

Dammit Beavis, it's the fairy of morning wood.

[Magilla]

Old age strikes again....

ROBBERY



An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel,the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."




FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "! Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."




I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."



ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"



OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"



SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"



DRIVING MISS DAISY

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shoot, am I driving?"

[I<3my93GT]

lol! funny!

[I<3my93GT]

i'm glad i dont seem to have that problem like i used to.

[emdshiznette]

rofl. good story!