Official Joke thread

[SpykeZ]

Why don't lesbians have morning sex?

-Ever tried to spread apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur?

- Lick-alota-puss

What does pizza & pussy have in common?

-They both have crust
OR
-You have to wipe your mouth after eating both

[FRCFD6]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup!"

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[pgt95]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples and say,..... "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle aisle of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?" "Why, yes, I am. How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock"........

>When George W. Bush completed 4 years of his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed Laura, stressing that it should be of international quality.
>
>
>
>The stamps were duly released and Bush was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called Laura and ordered her to investigate the matter.
>
>
>
>She checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to her husband. She said: "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamps. The problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side."

>When George W. Bush completed 4 years of his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed Laura, stressing that it should be of international quality.
>
>
>
>The stamps were duly released and Bush was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called Laura and ordered her to investigate the matter.
>
>
>
>She checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to her husband. She said: "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamps. The problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side."

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the
window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby
airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son
to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the
stewardess.

The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did
your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby
airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom
explain that to you."

[pinkbutton]

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the
window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby
airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son
to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the
stewardess.

The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did
your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby
airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom
explain that to you."

nice

[Precious]

that was great!!

[sm0othcrim1nul]

*edit


sorry, that was pretty lame. i'm surprised i could type straight last night, lol.
but here's a better one.



A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick.

For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights!

So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."

So the man said, "Shut up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

[pgt95]

Cricket.......... cricket cricket..........

[sm0othcrim1nul]

not exactly.

[SpykeZ]

2 minute management course

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.

Management Lesson: To sit on your ass and do nothing, you must be sit very high up.

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the

top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three
A bird was flying south for the winter, it was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually
thawing him out. He lay there all warm, happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. He followed the sound, discovering the bird under the pile of cow dung. He dug him out and ate him .

Management Lessons:

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the two-minute management course.

[SpykeZ]

(why the hell was there a post about probelife.....why would you make a forum opposed to this one o.0)

[Northenmonkey]

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies,











"It's Keith, the midget

[dead_beat_89]

^^^Hahahahaha. That's a great one!

[SpykeZ]

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies,











"It's Keith, the midget

EEEEEWWWW ROFLMAO!!!

[GTcruiser]

A Cherokee walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other and orders a coffee.Minutes later the waiter returns with his brew.
The Cherokee downs his drink in one gulp,throws manure in the air,blasts it with the shotgun,and walks out of the cafe.
The next day the Cherokee returns,again carrying a shotgun and a bucket of buffalo crap.
He walks up to the counter and orders a coffee.
"No way,chief," says the waiter."We're still cleaning up the mess you made yesterday.
What the hell was that about,anyway?"
"Me training for menagement position,"replies the Cherokee."Me come in,drink coffee,shoot shit,leave mess for others to clean up,then disappear for rest of day."

[Joe Bialy]

Do you know the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?





In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia, Moosehead is a misdemeanor.