Official Joke thread

[Evil Probe]

World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT : a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

BRIDGE TRAVEL
by Ted Kennedy

[MX3Chick]

Go to Google and put in french war victories and hit "Im feeling lucky"

[FRCFD6]

There once was a very rich man who was very ugly. No one ever wanted to sleep with him, so he decided to drive around in his limo until he found somebody. Soon, he spotted a passed-out bum on the street. He quickly ran out, screwed the bum in the ass, left him fifty bucks, and drove off.

A few hours later, the bum woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Molson, drank them all, and passed out again.

The next day, the rich man returned, found the bum again passed out, screwed him in the ass, and left him a hundred bucks. Astonished by the money when he woke up, the bum bought two six-packs, drank them down, and passed out again.

The next day, the rich man did the same thing to the bum, but this time left him a hundred fifty bucks. When the bum woke up, he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Labatt's.

"Labatt's?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Molson."

"I know," said the bum. "But Molson makes my ass hurt."

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel.

He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out of exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The father shook he said and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast."

[Sebastian]

^^^^^^ bwahahahaha

[walg]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating," her father replied

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a
moment.........then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

[THEGAME]

maybe you've heard it:

One day around 6am a man was jogging on the beach when he came upon a paraplegic (sp?) women on a towel. As he approached her he noticed that she was crying and asked what was wrong-the women replied "I've never been hugged in public by anyone who wasn't a family member". Feeling sorry for her the jogger picked up the women, gave her a hug, and went on his way.

Around noon, another man was jogging up the same beach and came upon the women. As he approached her, again the women was crying. The man asked her what was wrong and the women replied "I've never been sentually kissed by anyone in my life". Feeling sorry for the women, the man picked her up and kissed her, then set her down and went on his way.

As the afternoon rolled in the women still sat at the beach, and again a 3rd jogger appeared in the distance. Feeling on a roll the women again started crying-and as the man approached he noticed and walked up to her. The man asked her what she was crying about and the women replied "I've never been screwed in my whole life". The man, with no sense of remorse, picked the women up and threw her in the ocean and said "there, now your screwed"
Chris

[dead_beat_89]

maybe you've heard it:

One day around 6am a man was jogging on the beach when he came upon a paraplegic (sp?) women on a towel. As he approached her he noticed that she was crying and asked what was wrong-the women replied "I've never been hugged in public by anyone who wasn't a family member". Feeling sorry for her the jogger picked up the women, gave her a hug, and went on his way.

Around noon, another man was jogging up the same beach and came upon the women. As he approached her, again the women was crying. The man asked her what was wrong and the women replied "I've never been sentually kissed by anyone in my life". Feeling sorry for the women, the man picked her up and kissed her, then set her down and went on his way.

As the afternoon rolled in the women still sat at the beach, and again a 3rd jogger appeared in the distance. Feeling on a roll the women again started crying-and as the man approached he noticed and walked up to her. The man asked her what she was crying about and the women replied "I've never been screwed in my whole life". The man, with no sense of remorse, picked the women up and threw her in the ocean and said "there, now your screwed"
Chris

So wrong, yet so freakin' hillarious.

[THEGAME]

So wrong, yet so freakin' hillarious.

I know, border line 5* material lol
Chris

[PGT_chick]

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c5.../feminists.jpg

thats funny as hell

[ladyjazz17]

Just read this online:

About 16 years ago, I worked at a plastic injection molding factory in St. Paul. In case you don't know what that is: Huge machines inject molten plastic into molds and when they cool, the machine spits out the molded part, and then the machine's operator inspects the part and if it's good they trim the flash (technical term) off and pack it and if it's bad, they throw it in the "bad parts" box.

So I was one of the operators and when you came on shift at these places, the person at the machine before you would tell you what kinds of defects and flash to look for and where to pack the good parts and which was the box for bad parts. I had this joke that I would make every time I took over a shift from someone I hadn't made the joke with before: They'd go over the routine with me, and when they showed me the "bad parts" box, I'd look in it and say, "These parts aren't bad" and, bemused, they'd say "Yes, they are!" ...

...and I'd say, "No no! These parts aren't bad! They're just... misunderstood!".

[sm0othcrim1nul]

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c5.../feminists.jpg

quite possibly one of the funniest damn things I've seen in a while.


-Josh L.

[DJ-Anakin]

California, 156 years ago.

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

California became a State.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gun fights in the streets.


So basically, it was just like California today except the women
had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.




edit: correction, it wasn't this week. CA came into the Union September 9, 1850 (31st).

[lakersfan1]

I hear there used to be hetrosexual males in California back then, though.

[DJ-Anakin]

well, i know 1. me!

[lakersfan1]

well, i know 1. me!

Move south 80 miles, and you'll be carrying a Louis Vuitton handbag within a month.