Official Joke thread

[frenchy92005]

hahah mean lol

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Probesport]

Why is Hillary Clinton such a bad driver?




















Because she's a woman.

[soufkackicustom]

a Man an over hears an elderly couple talking about how they had met at this restaurant 50 years ago. Then the elderly lady says "remember what happened out back?" the elderly man says "yes, we should go recreate that magic" They walk around the back of the restaurant. The man fallows, curious of what was going to happen. As he looks on, the elderly lady slides her skirt up, and the elderly man mounts her from behind. Se leans forward and grabs on to a fence. The man is shocked to see the elderly couple going at it like jack rabbits. A sight the man had never seen before. After about an hour, the elderly lady lets go of the fence and both fall to the ground. After a bit, they collect them selfs and leave. Just as the elderly man goes to get in his car, the man ask "How do you do that?" The elderly man replies "Hell, I dont know. but that fence wasnt electric 50 years ago!"

[TravisWilliams_GT]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,

"Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

[TRWeiss1]

Nice, Travis....nice.

[natecade1]

how do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?









nail its other hand to the floor.

[supergoat]

What is the difference between a baby and a cheeseburger?











You don't piss on your cheeseburger before eating it.

Why is Hillary Clinton such a bad driver?




















Because she's a woman.

I've always heard that one as "Why didn't they let Helen Keller drive?"

[TravisWilliams_GT]

You are a Texan If:


1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana,

Palestine , Decatur , Wichita Falls , Sabine,

San Antonio, Burnet, Boerne, Nacogdoches ,

Mexia, Waco , Amarillo , and Waxahachie.

2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to

go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

3. You've ever had to switch from

'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

4. You know that the true value of a parking

space is not determined by the distance

to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You measure distance in minutes.

8. Little Smokies are something you

serve only for special occasions.

9. You go to the lake because you

think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast

before picking out an outfit

11. You know cow-pies are not made of beef.

12.. Someone you know has used a football

schedule to plan their wedding date.

13. You have known someone who has had a

belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,

ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

15. Your 'place at the lake' has wheels under it.

16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol;

a Ford F350 4x4 is.

17. You know everything goes better

with Ranch dressin'.

18. You learned how to shoot a gun

before you learned how to multiply.

19. You actually understand this and you are

'fixin' to' send it to your friends.

20. Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have

ever heard this conversation:
' You wanna coke?' 'Yeah.'

'What kind?' 'Dr. Pepper.'

[ladyjazz17]

The Bottle of Wine

THE BOTTLE OF WINE


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.'

[Joe Bialy]

A guy goes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I don't know if I'm a Teepee or a Wigwam!"

Relax said the doctor, you're just too tense.

[SpeedyD]

DEAR MADAM:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER
FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR
AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM
BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

[soufkackicustom]

You are a Texan If:


1. You can properly pronounce Nacogdoches ,

Or if you in Nacogdoches and parts of a space shuttle start falling on you, that was some scarry shit

[PearsonMX6]

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his
entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the
insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held
a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of
the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.

[Josh_Rose]

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his
entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the
insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held
a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of
the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.

not a joke,from what i heard that actually happened...

[PearsonMX6]

http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp