Official Joke thread

[j-dogg]

[Staats]

Wow, that would suck lol.

[stanghater]

nice!!

[Lithium543]

PWNed!

[jello_17602]

good one.

[KrAsH]

Lmao! Ellipses FTW...

[Badandy44]

lol good read

[driftwood]

i got this one in an email

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[SpeedyD]

^ I tell guys at the bar I'm married with kids all the time. They still don't go away. :|

& my uncordinated drunken debochary I refer to as dancing is amzingly hilarious.

[SpeedyD]

Why parents drink



The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello ? "



"Is your daddy home?" he asked.



" Yes ," whispered the small voice.



May I talk with him?"



The child whispered, " No ."



Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"



"Yes."



"May I talk with her?"



Again the small voice whispered, "No ."



Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"



" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".



Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"



" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.



"Busy doing what?"



" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.



Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"





" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.



"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.



Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."



Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"



Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

" ME ."

[z4q]

a man asks his wife why she never has an orgasm
she says well i do its just that your never here

[driftwood]

my uncle kurt gave me this one the other day...




Kurt: did you hear micheal jackson died?

me: really?!?!

kurt: yeah, died of food poisoning

me: oh wow...

kurt: yeah, he ate an 11 year old weiner


& thats when i punched my uncle in the face

[TravisWilliams_GT]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?' Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket any says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?' she too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[Josh_Rose]

roflmao, that was good

[sarah1984]

Cleaning the toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog